Say "No" to mutants

After the battle of the bands show Bruce, my brother Tylor, myself and a newly acquired tongan friend Mika caught this huge, weird-looking bug. The front of it looked like a crab; it had a crab's head, the little beady crab eyes, even pincers. The back half looked like a cockroach body. It was all sick brown and had wings capable of flight. The length of the body was a little more than 3 inches and it was an inch and a half wide.

So we catch the thing and put it in a bottle and I of course say "How much will you guys pay me to eat it?" Bruce offers 25 bucks, Ty's friend Adam offers 5, and the tongan offers his respect (which alone makes it worth it in my book). So it was on.

After pouring the thing out of the bottle and struggling to catch it for about 10 minutes, I finally had the devil in my hand. Bruce is filming the entire incident, so I make sure to hold it nice and close to the camera so all can see very brave and hearty I am. Then, without further adieu, I put the sucker in my mouth.

It takes 5 minutes of straight chewing, and the thing tastes like a horrid mixture of swamp water, eggs and sage. The wings, in particular, are exceptionally chewy and take longer than the whole rest of the creature to soften up. Everyone is saying how gross it is and laughing and Tylor is trying not to puke his wee weak guts out. It was hilarious.

Saturday morning. I wake up with a fever, a severe headache, a sore throat, and have lost all desire for food. "What could have possibly caused this," I deliriously wonder to myself. It couldn't have been the bug, could it? No. Not possible. If it was the bug, I'd have like diarrhea or I would be vomiting or something. Wouldn't I? We may never know.

The simple fact is I'm still sick and that 25 bucks sounds like less and less the more I tell people. We don't need a wheel of morality for this one folks; just don't eat giant mutant crab-cockroach bugs. Trust me.