Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I have officially cast my vote and now I can only hope for the best. If McCain wins, my wife and I are moving to Australia. That is all.

Monday, May 5, 2008

My Eternal Nemesis

For many, the long search for a worthy opponent is a greatly rewarding thing. Most super heroes learn a great deal about themselves when confronting their most feared adversary. As fate would have it, my arch-nemesis is a weatherman. Grant Weyman.

As the name crosses my lips, a bitter taste fills my tongue. Many angry, unheard (but certainly NOT unspoken) rants jump to mind. There were days when I didn't have my hopes dashed every morning at approximately 7:30 am. There were times when all the world was at peace because we knew what the weather would be like the next day. Partly cloudy, 72 degrees Fahrenheit.

My age old foe has brought with him a new weather forecasting style, however. The tyranny is as follows:

"Going to be a bit chilly the next few days, so keep those warm winter coats out! (as an aside, I simply refuse to quote the improper grammar. It's a miracle how low the standards for being "Literate" are these days.) Warmer, more seasonal temps by the weekend."

A few days pass.

It is now the weekend. 7:30 am rolls around and I'm on the computer, hoping against hope Grant Weyman hasn't betrayed the trust I so unwillingly give him. The forecast:

"Going to be a bit chilly the next few days, so keep those warm winter coats out! Warmer, more seasonal temps by the mid-week."

And my heart falls.

It isn't so bad now, after almost a year of unending, blatant disregard for the science known as 'meteorology'. My mind has learned to dull the pain by ritualistically adopting the same small hope each day knowing it will be blasted to pieces. Life is hard under The Weyman. All us peasant folk knows it too.

I fully realize this has gone beyond sane and normal levels of dislike. But if I were to have any wish granted me, it would be a sabre duel with the man on a bridge. I could then die happy, having truly lived.

In the words of immortal William Wallace "Every man dies. Not every man really lives."

Carpe diem.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Social Malfunctioniasis

Yesterday, a certain acquaintance of mine and I were having a discussion. He gets offended extremely easily by ANY sort of joking or sarcasm directed his way, and of course being the antagonist I am, this only encourages such endeavors from my end.

As our conversation went on I had one of the most brilliant ideas ever form. The conversation with the fellow, whom I will refer to as "Jim", went as follows:

Me: Dude, why do you get so offended about everything?
Jim: Don't even get me started. My childhood is a long tale.
Me: Childhood, huh? That explains a lot. You know, you may have 'Social Malfunctioniasis'.
Jim: That's not real! You can't just add 'iasis' on the end of 'malfunction' and expect me to believe it's a real disease.
Me: Look it up, man. It's real.

Now in a time of great need, you have to rely on your best and most capable friends. I knew exactly who to go to.

Me: Trapper, can you create a wikipedia article about a disease I made up?
Trapper: Sure, what's it called?
Me: Social Malfunctioniasis.
Trapper: Give me a few minutes.

As Jim proceeded to scour the internet for his fictitious disease, I bought time by arguing. In about 15 minutes trapper sent me the link. I would have just put it up here, but the article was only up 60 seconds before they took it down. Thankfully, it was enough time for me to give it to Jim; thus causing him to forever question his own mental health. I have copy/pasted the material below.

Social Malfunctionaiasis

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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Social Malfunctionaiasis
Classification & external resources
ICD-10 G47.4
ICD-9 347
OMIM 161400
DiseasesDB 8843
eMedicine neuro/522
MeSH D009290

Social Malfunctionaiasis is a neurological condition most characterized by paranoid behavior, angry mood swings, wiggling eyes, and an aversion to social interactions. A victim of social malfunctionaiasis will most likely experience disturbed nocturnal emissions. Sufferers of Social Malfunctionaiasis are commonly referred to as "somals" as the full term is considered too long to pronounce on a regular basis.



[edit] Symptoms

The main characteristic of social malfunctioniasis is erratic social behavior such as paranoia, mood swings, and the fleeting feeling of loneliness. A less noticeable effect is that of the eyes wiggling in a rapid fashion, typically caused by the fear of social interactions. When a stride of social malfunctionaiasis is encountered, the sufferer immediately wishes to flee his current environment and relocate to a more safe haven such as his bed or on the toilet.

[edit] Causes

While the cause of social malfunctioniasis has not yet been determined, scientists have classified it as a neurological defense mechanism stemming from possible bullying on the playground and having to wait for the popular kids to get off the swing set.

In 2004 researchers in Australia induced social malfunctioniasis-like symptoms in mice by injecting them with antibodies from social malfunctioniasis humans. The research has been published in the Lancet providing strong evidence suggesting that some cases of social malfunctionaiasis might be caused by autoimmune disease.[1]

Despite the experimental evidence in human social malfunctioniasis that there may be an inherited basis for at least some forms of social malfunctioniasis, the mode of inheritance remains brown.

[edit] Epidemiology

This section needs additional citations for verification.
Please help improve this article by adding reliable references. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (March 2007)

It is estimated that as many as 3 million people worldwide are affected by social malfunctioniasis. In the United States, it is estimated that this condition afflicts as many as 200,000 Americans[citation needed], but fewer than 50,000 are diagnosed. It is as widespread as Parkinson's disease or multiple sclerosis and more prevalent than cystic fibrosis, but it is less well known. Social malfunctioniasis is often mistaken for depression, gigantowussion, or the side effects of medications. It can also be mistaken for poor sleeping habits, recreational animal abuse, masturbation, or mastication.

Social malfunctioniasis can occur in both men and women at any age, although its symptoms are usually first noticed in teenagers or young adults. There is strong evidence that social malfunctioniasis may run in families; 8 to 12 percent of people with social malfunctionaiasis have a close relative with this neurologic disorder.

Social malfunctioniasis has its typical onset in young adulthood. There is an average 15-year delay between onset and correct diagnosis which may contribute substantially to the disabling features of the disorder. Cognitive, educational, occupational, and psychosocial problems associated with the excessive daytime pushiness of social malfunctioniasis have been documented.

[edit] Diagnosis

Diagnosis is relatively easy when all the symptoms of social malfunctioniasis are present. But if the pushy attacks are isolated and cataplexy is mild or absent, diagnosis is more difficult. It is also possible for cataplexy to occur in isolation.

[edit] Treatment

There is no known treatment for social malfunctioniasis.

[edit] Coping with social malfunctioniasis

Learning as much about social malfunctioniasis as possible and finding a support system can help patients and families deal with the practical and emotional effects of the disorder, possible occupational limitations, and situations that might cause injury.

Support groups exist to help persons with social malfunctioniasis and their consistent and repeated failures.

[edit] History

Social Malfunctioniasis was first discovered in 1914 in the amber waves of grain of Kentucky by Chaos Dr. Gregory Bloods.


Now this may seem cruel, but if any of you had this idea and the means to see it through, you would have done it too. Don't even try to pretend you wouldn't.

Monday, February 4, 2008

The Great Creativity Drought of '08

It seems there is a huge lack of creativity these days, especially in the entertainment industry. Think about it. When was the last time a movie was made that was truly great? 1994, Mel Gibson's Braveheart. The last time there was a widely liked, truly good band? Again with the early '90s we have Nirvana. And who knows how long it's been since there was a new TV show idea. Ever since American Idol, Survivor, ER and CSI came out, everything aired since has been carbon copy after carbon copy. Now I'm not saying "these are the only good bands, movies, etc". There just hasn't been, in my opinion, anything truly moving since that era. Why is that?

It has been said that there aren't any new stories told, we just re-tell the same ones over and over again. If this is true, why have I not previously noticed an overwhelming influx of the cliche same old stuff? I'm notoriously picky about these things; I think it would have come up. My hypothesis: quality standards have dropped exponentially.

Consider, if you will, the advent of emo-music. In a wikipedia article on the subject, it is described as "lyrics founded in deep diary-like outpourings of emotion". Now I'm all for writing in one's diary. If that's your thing, one on you. But if I'm not mistaken, the entire purpose of having a diary is to be able to jot down your innermost feelings and desires without the fear of being mocked. And these people have made music out of it? Yeekh. I guess the only way people can find to write a break up song is to go back and look at journal entries written when they were 15. How incredibly pathetic.

With movies, it seems there are really only 5 kinds: medieval-style Braveheart wannabes, "I loved these comic books as a kid" movies, Lion-Witch-Wardrobe-esque endeavors, Harry Potter sequels, and SAW sequels. I would have added Pirates of the Caribbean flicks, but they barely even count as entertainment. I mean, come on. We aren't 5 year olds.

Television, as a whole, is one giant cesspool of rampant and blatant, plagiarized nonsense. Enough said.

So we sit, my friends. The great entertainment crisis at the turn of the century. Forget the economy, the elections, looming energy crisis and the blunder in Iraq. This is what my attention is focused on.